Addiction can cause people to loose control. This is usually driven by the lack of confidence and insecurities. As a city dweller, I myself was addicted and obsessed with fashion luxuries to fill my emptiness. Many of us believe that most problems are sourced by external forces. However, the greatest challenges we face are within ourselves.
I grew up in a middle class family. My father owned a small business and my mother stayed home taking care of me. Every weekend, my parents would take me out to the ice cream store for a treat and let me pick out a toy at the Toys R Us. My life was fulfilled, I thought I had everything I could imagine. However, my perspective of fulfillment all changed the year I turned fifteen. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon in downtown Vancouver city dwellers, tourists and shoppers overwhelmed the streets. Out of the large crowd, I spotted a girl. Her hair glistened in the sun as it revealed her silky glossy hazel curls. The sunglasses she wore were elegantly studded with gems as it flashed the Chanel logo. She had the smile of success, fame, pride and prosperity as she flamboyantly talked on her latest Blackberry phone. Her arm was prized with the newest Tiffany and Co. bracelet as it drew all eyes on her. On her hand, she held the latest Dior tote of the season. To accomodate her long and slender legs, she wore the skinniest pair of Dolce and Gabbana denim jeans. To top it off, a pair of the limited edition Louboutin stilettos.
I paused, I felt as if toxic venom entered my bloodstream. My eyes gleamed with jealousy as if smoke were to escape from them. The pores in my body was clogged with envy. I stopped, I looked at myself. A rotten pair of Old Navy jeans and an American Eagle t-shirt that looked like an old dish cloth. I felt ashamed, I wanted to hide myself. I had to do something to rival her.
To my advantage, I emptied my bank accounts. I dashed into designer stores desperately searching for the newest pair of jeans, the iconic bag and the newest cardigan. Afer walking out of the store, a smile was glued on my face. I wanted people to appreciate the success and prosperity that I could afford designer luxury.
Unfortunately after a week, I felt the same as before. It seemed that the sense of joy and pride has escaped from me. I thought that if I went to get more designer clothes it would continue to make me feel happy and confident.
As time passed, I accumulated a new wardrobe filled with Italian jeans, dress shirts and French designer bags. The feeling of pride and success didn't seem to occur to me. I looked in the mirror, I couldn't recognize myself. It wasn't me, I was masked by another person. In fact, I felt worst than how I did before. It was as if I was obligated to get a new outfit each week. I felt unsatisfied and unfulfilled.
One day, my best friend wrote to me saying that she was concerned with my shopping addiction. She assumed that I was obviously feeling insecure and confident. At that moment, I realized that being unconfident and feeling judged by other people was the real issue. I learned that my addiction was rooted from my insecurities.
From my experience with addiction, the first step was to stop my uncontrollable shopping habits and learn to heal from being unconfident. Instead of being jealous of people on the streets that are covered in brand name labels. I learned to question whether they are proud or may it be their insecurities they are covering up.
Most of the time, we consider challenges we face as external forces. I thought that people in brand name clothes wanted to belittle me. However, I realized that the issue was from my lack of confidence. Sometimes, the greatest obstacles are with ourselves.
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